Unmasked

There is a challenge I’ve recently faced, specifically as a new student at Queens College: Where do you draw the line of being confident before it becomes conceited? Being conceited has always been one of my biggest fears because of the fact that it becomes selfish; where you become so focused on yourself and your accomplishments that you forget to stop and look around to help others. One thing I strongly believe is that we are put on this earth to help and to serve. I should preface this with the fact that I am more spiritual than religious. I believe that each person in life goes on a mission and makes choices that will benefit someone else, no matter how big or small.

Everything happens for a reason as well and there is someway it works out, whether it is clear or not. I have recently learned this because of my college decision. My dream school was Hunter College. I fell in love to the point where I would get butterflies thinking about me being a student there. I wound up getting wait listed and eventually denied from Hunter. I had never felt so lost. I eventually made the choice to go to Queens College and it wasn’t until I moved into my dorm room that I realized that this is where I am supposed to be. I love waking up every morning and being a student here. In my first week of classes, I learned (and actually retained) math and science without having to reread my notes over and over again, which is a drastic change compared to High School.

My parents also are a huge part of me. They created me, they’ve influenced me, helped me, misguided me. I love them with all of my heart, honestly. Except that the past couple months have been slowly straining on our relationship.

For instance, my parents still do not believe that I am gay. They want me to be safe but they are silencing me in the process. I am well aware that it is not malicious by any means, it is solely the reason of protection; but if they tell me what I need to do in order to be who I am again, my head might explode.

When I first came out, they told me to just be proud and not be “loud and proud,” implying that be who you are but don’t show it. I knew exactly what they meant but once I started the next school year, I wanted to finally be free. I wanted to walk around and not be scared to wear a certain color in fear of being bullied again. I wanted to not feel lost. Their idea weighed me down for a while but I then realized that I should live my own life the way I want to and not by their standards. It’s cliche, which means it’s true.

They know how to get inside my head and make me go insane when thinking about something. I called them recently with an issue which I did not know how to handle. In my mother’s attempts to play devil’s advocate she made me rethink everything and I am now a little distanced from that person. Again I do understand it is merely love and protection but it messes with me when they do things like that.

For a long while I had no idea how to handle the emotional stress they put me through until I found the world of art, specifically theatre and music. Art is my drug of choice. Art can cure any pain, whether it be emotional or physical. Every time I get sick where I have to stay home from school or the day’s activities I put on a musical (often Singin’ In The Rain).

When my house was destroyed by Hurricane Sandy, the world of theatre and performing was where I could escape the physical and mental rubble that was being built up and torn down constantly. The power in choreography or the poetry in song lyrics really helped me escape the sinkhole I was living in. I realized that I could take all of the inspiration I received and apply it to my broken reality. For example, when I was being bullied again in Middle School, I was able to start telling myself to “Defy Gravity” and rise above the people who doubted me or made fun of me.

It still does help and will always continue to help. The most recent example I have is when I got my heart broken this past school year. I was in love with someone I have known since first grade; and when he didn’t like me back I had to act like nothing was wrong because I didn’t want to hurt our friendship. The song, “The Good Side” by Troye Sivan summed up my exact fear: In the lyric “I’m sure we’ll meet in the spring, catch up on everything, I’ll say I’m proud of all that you’ve done, you’ve taught me the ropes and you taught me to love,” I saw the two of us after second semester for summer vacation. I saw that we were different and the boy I was in love with was not in that body anymore. This boy has changed, maybe for the better or maybe for worse,  but it wasn’t him; but I could learn to be okay with that because I still have him, in some form, in my life. I’ll always love him but love comes in different forms and different forces.

To quote a movie near and dear to my heart, “Life is like a ferris wheel; there are points where you are at the top and points where you are at the bottom and it stops and restarts constantly.” Love, Simon is a film that changed my life. He told the honest truth which often doesn’t happen in LGBTQ+ films. I saw myself represented accurately and knew that if there was a movie as big as this then it helped others as well. This is why I believe art heals, because it often unites.

Overall, however, I feel like I am on the top of the ferris wheel. I love my friend group I have established here, I love living here, and I love the education I have received so far. I feel like there will be times where I am not at the top and I am okay with that, because life around us is ever changing; we just have to adapt and change with it.